Doing Time
dragged through
tarred patches
cracked bare by
melting conscience
suffocating in retro
prison gang blue
huddling around radio
pale reflections
projected in pools
of scarred lizard eyes
hesitant to dial in
pseudo-dignity station
© ~ Randy Bell ~ 2012
A new word list by Shawna !!
cloudfactor5
Dec 31, 2012 @ 12:28:14
I love what you did with this! well done.
Dec 31, 2012 @ 12:43:28
Thank You Deana
Dec 31, 2012 @ 13:47:11
This is unbelievable, Randy. I love it. So many good lines. Like these:
“cracked bare by melting conscience”
“suffocating in retro prison gang blue”
“pale reflections projected in pools of scarred lizard eyes”
“pseudo-dignity station”
I really like your subtle “blue”/”pool” rhyme. Also “eyes”/”dial.” Really soft, but so effective. I keep rereading it; you’ve made my ears very happy with this one.
Love the story here, as well. Could be literal, could be figurative. Everyone lives in one “prison” or another at some point during his life. You’ve been quite successful at conveying feelings of hopelessness, distortion, and claustrophobia.
Great layered title. I’m so glad you joined in.
Dec 31, 2012 @ 15:07:02
Thank You Shawna !! Great to have you back providing poetic inspiration and sustenance in Jasmine’s Jetsam, look forward to many more word lists (please,please,please) !!! Today I was just lucky as this word list started speaking to me right away, a few word associations and presto !!
Dec 31, 2012 @ 14:55:45
I love what you did with the list!
Dec 31, 2012 @ 14:56:52
Thank You MZ, Happy New Year !!!
Dec 31, 2012 @ 16:18:40
I think I need to give these lists a try! You’ve worked the words well…..
Happy New Year, Randy! (And I am so relieved I no longer go into spam at your site!)
Dec 31, 2012 @ 19:11:38
Scarred lizard eyes – scary but a very cool phrase–the whole poem interesting. Happy New Year! k.
Dec 31, 2012 @ 20:48:14
pseudo retro garb… feels good on the tongue..
Dec 31, 2012 @ 21:28:05
oooh … I like that..pseudo retro garb…. and it does kinda roll off the tongue!! Happy New Year
Jan 01, 2013 @ 15:24:01
I’m not sure what list you used, but it doesn’t read like a poem based on a word list, which in my opinion is the way you should do such a poem!! this has a great flow to it – I loved the kind of rippling rhymes throughout, the “blue – pool”, and “tarred – scarred” and the clever links between lines, like the “radio – dial – station” and “retro – reflection”. Very well crafted piece, nice work!
Jan 01, 2013 @ 15:29:13
Thank You, there’s a link to the word list on bottom of poem
Jan 01, 2013 @ 16:30:22
I am useless with word lists. You guys amaze me.
Jan 02, 2013 @ 06:30:10
Ah, a word list — they can make a poem scattered. Much is sacrificed in trying to wed them together. Fun associations, though.
Jan 02, 2013 @ 06:50:04
haunting
Jan 02, 2013 @ 19:30:54
This is laced with a cadence that lends to reading it over and over again. wonderful visuals. Loved this.
Jan 02, 2013 @ 20:02:24
I’m glad you enjoyed, Happy New Year!
Jan 02, 2013 @ 23:10:24
The chain gang with a real edge:dont watch the clock for its sure to drag . . .
in opposistion to the idea the poetry is short and sharp with subtle allusions
to shock
Jan 03, 2013 @ 10:48:58
I love these lines:
“tarred patches
cracked bare by
melting conscience”
And the last line ends the poem very strongly.
Congrats on the rhythm as well… quick and bringing suspense. What is her prison? I asked myself.
Jan 03, 2013 @ 14:13:39
Randy, excellently done with the list of words, bravo! Happy new year to you and yours.
Pamela
Jan 03, 2013 @ 15:37:40
Thank You Pamela, Happy New Year to you and yours !!